Kill. Me. Now.

I reached a new low in auditions.

As an actor the process of auditioning is an exercise in failure and humiliation. It is a process where you can receive notes like “I don’t believe this.” or “It would be great if you could get this.” Both of which I have received. But I reached a new low yesterday.

I was auditioning for this Japanese-style game show where they put you through a series of “punishments” and the punishments are supposed to be weird and funny and awful and the whole viewing world gets a good laugh at the contestants expense. Fine. But in this audition they actually made you act out the punishments. So within 4 minutes of the audition I had MAYONAISE in my ear. Someone gave me a mayonnaise wet-willy. I cannot describe how unfunny I was when this happened. First I thought, “Wow if I was my friend Jason I would be dead.” (As he has a life-threatening egg allergy.) Next I thought, “I have a college degree.”

Thank god I didn’t have to participate in the other punishments. As one involved having a ball-gag dipped in hot sauce worn. For 5 minutes. I don’t want to see a man in a ball-gag ever again unless I am being paid to kick the shit out of him.