Congratulations, me!

I am Time Magazine's Person of the Year!


Apparently it is my world. So why is it filled with dicks and jerks.
Well I don't mind I guess. I like awards. I haven't won one since I was named Massachusetts Young Woman of the Year!

Post Mortem Radio

Apparently I am on the radio this week.

JV and Elvis (9am - 1pm) are on "best of" this week and I made the cut on quite a few clips. So if you turn on the radio (92.3 FM) in NYC you may hear me. I will be at home working on other things but my radio alterego will be getting called a liberal fattie.

And to further the humilation of appearing in the "best of" on a station that fired me, I won't be getting paid for my efforts due AFTRA being the shittiest of unions!

Bah-Humbug.

Ray

I really tried to fight my urge to post on my sisters blog- I just had to when I read the previous...so this is my first and possibly last post- (I need to create my own so I can trash everyone I know- without them seeing it) Although you are all followers of the great Jackie posts, you may often wonder about....Ray (yes the one who barfed on me). Lemme give you a bit of back ground on Ray, he is in his 30's (upper that is) and origianlly from Rhode Island -which is comparable to New Jersey. He drives to Rhode Island on the weekends to get Hot Weiners (This is a type of hot dog), his haircut, oil changes, the every Friday night "With the boys" pub crawls with his middle aged friends. He knows every stat about every Red Sox player EVER- "Where were you you in the '75 game?" he'll ask me. He could tell you where he was for just about every game since he was 4. ugh it's annoying So.... the other night Ray and were watching T.V and he was flipping throught the guide to see whats on. He said "Ooh Professional Bull-Riding" I kinda looked at him funny and said "Ummmm okay" He said "sometimes when I come home on Friday nights (drunk) I either watch Professional Bull-Riding or The Lifetime Movie Network" Should I be worried? Nah it's Ray. I do however have to defend him with regards to the previous post. He/we may slightly be white trash- But I do have a sister (whom you may all know) who found a roll (don't know the correct term here) anyway- who found a roll on the street picked it up and smoked it EWWW (I just remembered it's called a joint!- geesh i'm slow) So that's my Ray in a nutshell- he's a real catch!

Christmas Lists - ho ho ho!

My family is pretty low-key during Christmas. After years of getting shitty ill-fitting presents from our parents, my brother and sister and I have taken to writing out detailed lists of what we want. Every so often we successfully stray from lists (a Tivo for me, a Steve Grogan Patriots jersey for my brother, a photo calendar for my sister) but for the most part me are list people. You want a bathroom shelf from Target for Christmas, well guess what Santa has? A bathroom shelf from Target. And when in doubt, cash or a gift certificate is what Jesus would do. Everyone wins.

I ask my sister what her boyfriend, Ray would like and she emails me the following list. While you read the list keep in mind the following question: what is wrong with Ray?

- Skechers (he gets these EVERY year, I dont know how you wear through a pair of shoes in a year, especially in the suburbs)
- Plain white tee shirts from Old Navy (not v-neck) size XL- the ones I wear underneath my work shirts (wow way to dream big, Ray...although I should refrain from judging...my Christmas wishlist has printer ink on it...)
- Work shirts- size 17-17 1/2 / 34-35 for brands like Van Heusen; XL for brands like Polo (practical, good)
- Socks for work- black based with pretty patterns (once again a 'dream big' item. But notice his description of the socks "based with pretty patterns." I love that Ray turns into a dreamy Jane Austen when he talks about socks! "Please, mum, can I have some new socks based with pretty patterns like lilacs and horses? It is all I wish for before I die of consumption.")
- Smokes & beer (We travel from Jane Austen right into this white-trash century with this gem. "Smokes and beer" did I forget to mention that Ray is Judd Nelson's father from "The Breakfast Club.")

I like Ray and I would buy him smokes and beer if it weren't for my 8 year-old nephew. He already leaves beer and cookies for Santa instead of milk and cookies. I don't think this boy needs further corruption.

Me and the Christian Right, BFF

How are me and the Christian right so on the same page? How cute!

My gay gay night

This is a picture of my Saturday night. My friend Jeff had a sleepover birthday party. He made a cheeseball and a friend of his brought over fancy face products so we all did facials and moisturizing. We all wrote down questions on paper and put them in a bowl and we all had to answer them. We never got to my question "What is the smelliest sex you've ever had." My answer would have to be a college boyfriend whose balls always smelled like New York City in August.

As my friend, Julie said, "I had a cock in my ass while watching Liza with a Z and you still had a gayer night than I did."

Oh Screech!

So we all know that Dustin Diamond (Screech from Saved by the Bell) has a sex tape that you can buy. Several previews were leaked to the internet...I can't find any with sex but I did find this GEM on YouTube.

Please keep in mind that the man in this video is also the man in this picture.

Screech is involved in some sort of rape club where he and his "bros" have sex with ladies and they tally points per sexual acts. Acceptable if you play hockey and you are 16. If you're a former child actor (note I didn't write star) and are a struggling stand-up - you are a rapist.

On the video Screech brags about the following points:

- The fisheye. I literally didn't know what this meant - and I am a fucking dirtbag. So I looked it up on the interweb. According to http://www.encyclopedia-of-sex.com/ fisheye is "A slang term describing the situation when having intercourse with a woman from behind you start to put it in her ass, at which time she quickly snaps her head to the side and looks back at you with one eye (like a fish)." Oh, ok my joke about Screech being a rapist is now a fact. A fisheye is when you poke a girl in the rear WITHOUT HER KNOWLEDGE to elicit a STARE! Not only is it rapie, it is lame and stupid. Oh Screech. It is like the pull my finger trick only in a girl's butt.

- A Dirty Sanchez. We all know what this is. But I will defer to the Encyclopedia of Sex's definition for consistency. A Dirty Sanchez is "When the male partner sticks his finger in the female's ass and then wipes it across her upper lip, drawing a moustache." I didn't realize for the humiliation to be counted as a true Dirty Sanchez the moustache wearer had to be female. Consider me notified. (Also apparently none of the Dirty Sanchez's I have administered have counted...boo hoo.)

- This is the piece de resistance. Screech says "if you freeze frame on the BLUE JELLY DOUBLE DONG I believe there's POOP on the end of it." Ok. Let's just take a moment. All of us. I think it is a good time to recall that Screech the Poop Bragger is also the man in this picture.

Ok. The way Screech lingers on the word Poop truly fills my body with an untreatable cancer. He is vile. And the fact that he is unfuckably ugly does not help matters. Also I think when poop ends up on the end of a blue jelly double dong one should do the right thing and not mention it but discreetly take it to the bathroom to wash it as to not give anyone a bacteria infection. Safe sexual practices. Everyone wins!

- He refers to himself as the D-man. I think we all can agree it stands for Douchebag.

What an asshole.

Enjoy.

Best Text Ever!

A friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, sent me the best text ever:

"An angel left a little bag of coke in the hallway for me. I've got the biggest shit-eating grin on my face. WWWWOOOOOOOOOOWWW. It's been a while."

I was like WHO PICKS UP COKE OFF THE HALL FLOOR AND SNORTS IT? (Altho full disclaimer - I have found weed on the street and smoked it.) Well my friend does. He did his toots and was a very happy person.

Lucky bastard!

Blargh

I have jury doody.

Kill. Me. Now.

I reached a new low in auditions.

As an actor the process of auditioning is an exercise in failure and humiliation. It is a process where you can receive notes like “I don’t believe this.” or “It would be great if you could get this.” Both of which I have received. But I reached a new low yesterday.

I was auditioning for this Japanese-style game show where they put you through a series of “punishments” and the punishments are supposed to be weird and funny and awful and the whole viewing world gets a good laugh at the contestants expense. Fine. But in this audition they actually made you act out the punishments. So within 4 minutes of the audition I had MAYONAISE in my ear. Someone gave me a mayonnaise wet-willy. I cannot describe how unfunny I was when this happened. First I thought, “Wow if I was my friend Jason I would be dead.” (As he has a life-threatening egg allergy.) Next I thought, “I have a college degree.”

Thank god I didn’t have to participate in the other punishments. As one involved having a ball-gag dipped in hot sauce worn. For 5 minutes. I don’t want to see a man in a ball-gag ever again unless I am being paid to kick the shit out of him.

God Bless the New Yorker

The New Yorker listing for the new film, "Deck the Halls."

In this comedy, Danny (Danny Devito) strings his house with lots of Christmas lights, and his neighbor (Matthew Broderick) doesn't like it.

Ha ha ha. You can smell the disgust jumping off the page! God bless you, New Yorker!

My sister's first post

Ok this is Jackie. But I am at my sister Ali's house. She is smoking and drinking and mothering her son and boyfriend (Ray who barfed on her). She now has access to the blog and will be making her own posts. Feel free to ask her questions as her advice is the best. Yay! I am happy my sister will be blogging with me!

A Season of Giving

I am not having a good week. And when I am not having a good week I lean towards the angry side of the street. I can’t wait to head to Massachusetts (the birthplace of racism, with a black governor for the first time ever) for some family time and turkey. Family for most people is stressful but for me it is calming. We have removed the deadbeat parents (bigamist father and court-happy bitchy stepmom). So it is just me and my sister and brother and their significant others and our neurosises (I know I spelled that wrong) – which are much easier to handle since we lubricate them with plenty of alcohol.

Yesterday I was eating some lunch in the city and I overheard a conversation with a man I hated. Hated. It was all I could do not to stab him in the face with a fork.

I was reading the paper when he sat down and ordered an ice-coffee and my Gaydar went off before I even raised my head. I peeked up to see if I was right and I was pretty sure I nailed it. I was pretty confident this man was gay. Then a young Asian woman came in the restaurant and he ushered her into her chair with a delicateness that made me wretch.

I know I thought this man was gay but I wasn't so far off...because are two types of men: the sycophantic dater and the guy obsessed with Asians. Both are a cousin to the gay man for different reasons. And this fellow was both.

The sycophantic dater is a weak man. He is annoying because he treats a woman like a doll or a baby instead of a woman. He speaks in baby talk. He is gross. He’s always cuddling and touching as if his date is made of sugar. This guy kept grabbing the leg of his lady friend…but he was grabbing it in a way one would grab a vase they knew was delicate but didn’t care if it broke. He must be a dream in the sack.

The Asian obsessive is a cousin of gay for obvious reasons. An Asian woman is as close as you can get to a boy without a weiner. My Dad was an Asian obsessive metrosexual (back in the 80s) so I always thought my Dad was a little gay. Which is probably the most flattering thing I can say about him.

But back to diner man. Some offenses he laid out while I ate my less than thrilling omelet:

On the Asian girls story about her roommate making noise at 4 am:
"Usually bizarre behavior in the middle of the night...I think drugs."
(Really, she got up to pee and bumped a table and now you’ve labeled her a meth-head…genius.)

On Asian lady compared to her fellow NYU bizness school students:
"Well you are a human being unlike them. You think and feel."
(I know these people are jack-off business school dinks, but I am pretty sure they aren’t Terry Schiavo.)

When Asian lass was done her meal and ready to leave:
"Are you ready? Are you sure? You want more Pepsi? You sure?”


I am serious. That woman better need a green-card. Or she is a fucking loser.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Turn Off Your Radios

I am sad to report that my radio career has come to an end (for the time being...). I am no longer being considered for shows at FREE FM (WFNY). So feel free to cry, throw shit at your radio or drink yourself to sleep on a nightly basis. I have!

Thanks to all for the support and I will let you know if/when new radio adventures emerge!

xoxoxo,

Jax

Happy Gobble Gobble :)

Your Fucked Up Family

Just in time for the holidays, veteran NYC comedy group DEATH BY ROO ROO presents their new show, "YOUR F*CKED UP FAMILY" every Friday at 11pm at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in Chelsea.

Death By Roo Roo: Your F*cked Up Family is an improvised journey into your family's dysfunction…Did your Dad try to kill your Mom's boyfriend? Did your sister start a fire on Thanksgiving? Or did someone just forget Grandma in the car for a few hours? Let Death By Roo Roo take what caused your family pain and turn it into a night of hilarious improv comedy for all to enjoy.

From a single audience interview, a different dysfunction is explored every week. Death By Roo Roo. We're cheaper than therapy.

Death By Roo Roo's ensemble cast is comprised of some of the best comedians working in New York City. Collectively the members of Death By Roo Roo have appeared in NBC's 30 Rock, Todd Solondz' Palindromes, NBC's Late Night with Conan O'Brien, Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, TBS's Burly TV, 92.3 WFNY - FREE FM and Comedy Central's Upright Citizen's Brigade and have written for MTV, Sci-Fi Channel and Comedy Central's The Man Show.

Death By Roo Roo is Anthony Atamanuik, Neil Casey, Jackie Clarke, Brett Gelman, John Gemberling and Curtis Gwinn.

****

Death By Roo Roo: Your F*cked Up Family

Fridays at 11 pm | Tickets $8

Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre

307 West 26th St (Between 8th and 9th Avenues)

212-366-9176 for reservations

Subway: 1, C, E to 23rd Street