Spit or Semen

I am on the Q train yesterday and I'm looking for a seat. I decide NOT to sit next to the hippie woman with 2 kids who was simultaneously breast feeding and snacking on granola. I spot a seat near the window, always a favorite, when I stop. Something was on the chair and it looked like either spit or semen. I took a few pictures with my Sidekick (so they are a little grainy) so I could share with my blog readers. And they could pipe in on the spit or semen debate. My untrained eye is leading me to believe it is spit. But I will let you be the judge(s).

FCC Rules

I was given this list of FCC no-nos. Since the FCC doesn't run my internet I thought I would post them here. As they are pretty hilarious and fun to say out loud. Just not on the radio! (The CAPS are the FCCs, so they really mean it.)

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THINGS TO DUMP

FUCK, CUNT, COCK, MOTHERFUCKER, PISS (WHEN DESCRIBING BODY FLUIDS), SHIT, TITS, PUSSY (WHEN TALKING ABOUT THE FEMALE SEX ORGAN), DICK (WHEN TALKING ABOUT THE MALE SEX ORGAN), ASSHOLE, JERK OFF, JACK OFF, WACK OFF, BEAT OFF (ALL WHEN USED AS A MASTURBATION REFERENCE)

MASTURBATE, MASTURBATING, MASTURBATION

ANAL SEX, BUTT SEX, ASS SEX, REAR END SEX, BANG IN THE BUTT, POUND YOUR ASS (IN SEXUAL CONTEXT)

ORAL SEX, BLOW JOB, B-JOB, BLOW YOU/ME (EXCEPT WHEN USED AS EXPRESSION), GIVING/RECEIVING HEAD, HAND JOB

EJACULATION

PENETRATION, INSERTION (BOTH WHEN USED IN SEXUAL CONTEXT)

HARD-ON, ERECTION, HARD (ALL WITHIN SEXUAL CONTEXTS)

CLITORIS, CLIT, GOING DOWN ON

FISTING, FINGERING, FINGER-BANGING

SIT ON MY FACE, WRAP HER LEGS AROUND MY FACE

URINATE ON ME, PEE ON ME, PEED ON, TINKLE ON ME, WIZ ON ME, DRINKING URINE

EAT HER OUT, EAT ME (EXCEPT WHEN USED AS A NON-SEXUAL EXPRESSION)

CRAP ON ME (EXCEPT WHEN USED AS AN EXPRESSION), EATING CRAP (EXCEPT AS AN EXPRESSION)

STICKING OBJECTS UP OR IN BUTTS, POOPERS, VAGINAS, RECTUMS, ASSES (EXCEPT NON SEXUAL EXPRESSIONS SUCH AS ‘SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS’), STICKING OBJECTS INSIDE SOMEONE (WHEN CLEARLY SEXUAL)

RAPED WITH A STICK, BAT, OR OTHER ITEM (RAPED IS OK, BUT RAPED WITH SOMETHING IS NOT) RAPED IN BUTT, ASS, MOUTH, VAGINA (RAPED IS OK, BUT RAPED IN A PARTICULAR PLACE IS NOT)

CUM, CUM ON ME, IS HE CUMMING?

FART IN MY FACE, HIS FACE, HER FACE

PEDOPHILIA REFERENCE IN SEXUAL CONTEXT

ANY DESCRIPTION OF ACTION BEING DONE TO A SEXUAL ORGAN

ANYTHING COMIN ‘OUT OF’ EXCRETORY OR SEXUAL ORGANS

‘A-HOLE’ WHEN USED AS A SEXUAL OR EXCRETORY ORGAN

I’M WET OR SHE’S WET (WHEN USED DURING SEXUAL DISCUSSIONS)

BREASTS BEING LICKED OR SUCKED ON

‘GETS YOU OFF’ WITH HAND OR MOUTH (GETS YOU OFF IS OK, BUT NOT WITH SOMETHING)

FINISH ON ME, IN ME, ON MY FACE (OR ANYWHERE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER)

Reason #428 to love NYC

I can take the Q train and watch a chubby middle-aged Russian in a track
suit scratch off 25 NY Lotto cards and drip the silver crumbs all over
his tan loafers.

Poetry

My nephew, Troy is 7 years-old and addicted to being adorable. He is a delightful child even though my friend, John Gemberling insists that Troy sounds too much like a girl, even for a 7 year-old. As part of a school project, Troy sent me a letter and in the letter he included a poem I would like to share with you:

Roses Are Red
Violets Are Blue
I See You
I Will See You Next Month


I can't quite decide if this is the best poem ever written or one of the worst. I think that is a sign of high art, whether you can't decide if it is shit or not. Let's take a closer look. Troy sets up the rhyming pattern of a traditional 'roses are red' poem. Then he turns it on its head. Instead of rhyming the 3rd line with 'red' he rhymes it with 'blue.' Ok, I get it. Troy is playing with form. He's non-traditional. He is giving that 3rd line, "I see you" more importance by removing expectations. He is really saying I SEE YOU. Totally heavy for a 7 year old.

Or he's a ding-a-ling.