I like gay people!

I took an end of summer trip out to Fire Island last weekend. Some friends of mine have a house out there and invite us out a couple of times a season. Fire Island is a pretty gay place. Gay in the sense that it is fun and delightful and gay in the sense that there is a lot of gay sex going on. I learned my lesson early on in the Fire Island game. Enjoy the house, the beach, the pool and the liquor cabinet but leave the late night going out to the boys. Even though they ask you to come out - they don't want you there. They want to drink, dance and hook-up. Ladies have no part in this gay adventure. So I have taken to spending these nights in Fire Island high as a kite watching movies. It is sheer joy to be downing wine, smoking weed, watching "Moulin Rouge" while listening to the waves crash.

While I was watching Nicole Kidman sing and dance one of my friends was out looking for a little hoochie-coochie. One of the places on Fire Island that the men go to hook-up is called the "Meat Rack" and it is a series of dunes where men set out a blanket and then have a gentle lovemaking session. It is a pretty adorably straight-forward way of looking at sex. I wish straight people had something as simple, but alas all we have is rape. So my friend is drunk and in the Meat Rack looking for a meat rack and he takes a wrong step and tumbles down into a bramble bush. Ha ha. It is funny because he wasn't badly hurt. But seeing his scratched up face made me giggle. Can you imagine leaning in for a blowjob and then woopsie-poopsie - you are ass over tea-kettle into a bramble bush.

Gay people!

Charming and creepy Myspace email

I received this email message via my MYSPACE account.

What’s it like to have a big ole vagina?
Is it cool?
Like...what's it doing right now??

Hilarious.

Best (sort of creepy/stalkerish) email ever

Sooooooooooooooooooooo....every so often I will get a deliciously bananas email to my website and I have one here that probably takes the cake for most 100% Grade A bananas thing I have ever read. This is what Gwen Stefani was thinking about when she wrote "Hollaback Girl." Here are some excerpts - Italics and comments are mine.

Hi! My name is paul, and I'm a fucked up manic depressive from DirtyJersey. I am out of work now currently on temporary disability. Which means I must search online for porn for a living for now!Anyhow, I honestly am a funny fucker, and I think I'd make a good side-kick should you ever get your own show. I am freeof time, bored, angry, and safely psychotic. Aside from the button boy, I think we'd get along well enough to get great ratings. If you wish to test me, justask me to come up with some current event topics/jokes, or any shit like that.

So far, pretty run-of-the-mill. I get a lot of people emailing me that think they would be great on the air. I am not sure if Paul from Dirty Jersey would be. But he has the random craziness of a true radio talent. I'd give him a tryout.

By the way, your voice is hot! I haven't seen but one grainy picture of you thus far. But shit, if the look is anywhere need (near) the voice, even if it took two cases and a toke, I'd still prob. be game! Hell, I'd prob. hit your MILF ass while you are having your V-8! You just sound like your dirty-ass would rock thunder in the bed! But anyway, I'd have to see your pics first, you could end up looking like one of Marge Simpsons' sisters w/ a voice like that! If it's due to just smoking, or being simply annoying and obnoxious, I'd still give you the benefit of the doubt. besides, a girl's mouth can never be too full of
shit right???

Ok. We have a lot to discuss here. What the fuck. Dirty Jersey Paul goes from hitting on me to thinking I may not be hot enough for him! Huzzah? How did that happen. He insults me 17 different ways in one paragraph. Then ends it with the charming "a girl's mouth can't be too full of shit." Just like Dad used to say.

I am seriously though, a safe "friendly "drunk" type Bipolar guy, so I can provide legit, witty, on the spot humour that makes your guys collaboration on JV & Elvis so great!

If you are trying to prove to me you are not a rapist then don't admit to being a regular JV AND ELVIS listener. That is like rape camp. (Just teasing! Love you guys...don't rape me.)

And I'm not kissing ass. (no ATM's here.)

Ok. That was funny.

The next 7 or so paragraphs of his email deal with a topic we covered on-air on the JV and Elvis show about the rights of suicidal people. So Dirty Jersey Paul goes on and on about that for quite a long time and ends with a graphic description of a man who shot himself in the head, shattered his cranium and lived. This guy is great at foreplay.

He sums his ideas on suicide up with:

Like someone on your show commented, those who think about it too far in advance, usually make half-ass attempts, w/no real intention on actually dying. Unfortunately, for many of them, it does happen anyway. Some people just can't seem to get anything right! Well, alas, such is shit huh?

Such IS shit. How comforting.

Sorry to have bored you, but back on my original topic, if you have any
sort of try-outs or whatever, please contact me! I have way too much time on my hands, and even on JV & Elvis' show, even a guest, I know I can cause a laugh. I am well-educated on a wide variety of topics, and am a funny, perverted minded, quick-witted Freudian, fucked-up mind. Much worse than even theirs! But, they are great also!

Seriously, please consider me as a chancer if you ever should need to. Or, if even they just need a temp. I guarantee you if given a chance, I can make a great addition to any show!

I'm starting to like Dirty Jersey Paul. Sure he makes little to no sense but he has made me laugh. But I don't think he is really qualified for a radio job.

And I'd be willing to work cheap! Not Illegal Mexican cheap, but close!

I was wrong. He is made for radio.