Kill. Me. Now.

I reached a new low in auditions.

As an actor the process of auditioning is an exercise in failure and humiliation. It is a process where you can receive notes like “I don’t believe this.” or “It would be great if you could get this.” Both of which I have received. But I reached a new low yesterday.

I was auditioning for this Japanese-style game show where they put you through a series of “punishments” and the punishments are supposed to be weird and funny and awful and the whole viewing world gets a good laugh at the contestants expense. Fine. But in this audition they actually made you act out the punishments. So within 4 minutes of the audition I had MAYONAISE in my ear. Someone gave me a mayonnaise wet-willy. I cannot describe how unfunny I was when this happened. First I thought, “Wow if I was my friend Jason I would be dead.” (As he has a life-threatening egg allergy.) Next I thought, “I have a college degree.”

Thank god I didn’t have to participate in the other punishments. As one involved having a ball-gag dipped in hot sauce worn. For 5 minutes. I don’t want to see a man in a ball-gag ever again unless I am being paid to kick the shit out of him.

God Bless the New Yorker

The New Yorker listing for the new film, "Deck the Halls."

In this comedy, Danny (Danny Devito) strings his house with lots of Christmas lights, and his neighbor (Matthew Broderick) doesn't like it.

Ha ha ha. You can smell the disgust jumping off the page! God bless you, New Yorker!

My sister's first post

Ok this is Jackie. But I am at my sister Ali's house. She is smoking and drinking and mothering her son and boyfriend (Ray who barfed on her). She now has access to the blog and will be making her own posts. Feel free to ask her questions as her advice is the best. Yay! I am happy my sister will be blogging with me!

A Season of Giving

I am not having a good week. And when I am not having a good week I lean towards the angry side of the street. I can’t wait to head to Massachusetts (the birthplace of racism, with a black governor for the first time ever) for some family time and turkey. Family for most people is stressful but for me it is calming. We have removed the deadbeat parents (bigamist father and court-happy bitchy stepmom). So it is just me and my sister and brother and their significant others and our neurosises (I know I spelled that wrong) – which are much easier to handle since we lubricate them with plenty of alcohol.

Yesterday I was eating some lunch in the city and I overheard a conversation with a man I hated. Hated. It was all I could do not to stab him in the face with a fork.

I was reading the paper when he sat down and ordered an ice-coffee and my Gaydar went off before I even raised my head. I peeked up to see if I was right and I was pretty sure I nailed it. I was pretty confident this man was gay. Then a young Asian woman came in the restaurant and he ushered her into her chair with a delicateness that made me wretch.

I know I thought this man was gay but I wasn't so far off...because are two types of men: the sycophantic dater and the guy obsessed with Asians. Both are a cousin to the gay man for different reasons. And this fellow was both.

The sycophantic dater is a weak man. He is annoying because he treats a woman like a doll or a baby instead of a woman. He speaks in baby talk. He is gross. He’s always cuddling and touching as if his date is made of sugar. This guy kept grabbing the leg of his lady friend…but he was grabbing it in a way one would grab a vase they knew was delicate but didn’t care if it broke. He must be a dream in the sack.

The Asian obsessive is a cousin of gay for obvious reasons. An Asian woman is as close as you can get to a boy without a weiner. My Dad was an Asian obsessive metrosexual (back in the 80s) so I always thought my Dad was a little gay. Which is probably the most flattering thing I can say about him.

But back to diner man. Some offenses he laid out while I ate my less than thrilling omelet:

On the Asian girls story about her roommate making noise at 4 am:
"Usually bizarre behavior in the middle of the night...I think drugs."
(Really, she got up to pee and bumped a table and now you’ve labeled her a meth-head…genius.)

On Asian lady compared to her fellow NYU bizness school students:
"Well you are a human being unlike them. You think and feel."
(I know these people are jack-off business school dinks, but I am pretty sure they aren’t Terry Schiavo.)

When Asian lass was done her meal and ready to leave:
"Are you ready? Are you sure? You want more Pepsi? You sure?”


I am serious. That woman better need a green-card. Or she is a fucking loser.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Turn Off Your Radios

I am sad to report that my radio career has come to an end (for the time being...). I am no longer being considered for shows at FREE FM (WFNY). So feel free to cry, throw shit at your radio or drink yourself to sleep on a nightly basis. I have!

Thanks to all for the support and I will let you know if/when new radio adventures emerge!

xoxoxo,

Jax

Happy Gobble Gobble :)

Your Fucked Up Family

Just in time for the holidays, veteran NYC comedy group DEATH BY ROO ROO presents their new show, "YOUR F*CKED UP FAMILY" every Friday at 11pm at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in Chelsea.

Death By Roo Roo: Your F*cked Up Family is an improvised journey into your family's dysfunction…Did your Dad try to kill your Mom's boyfriend? Did your sister start a fire on Thanksgiving? Or did someone just forget Grandma in the car for a few hours? Let Death By Roo Roo take what caused your family pain and turn it into a night of hilarious improv comedy for all to enjoy.

From a single audience interview, a different dysfunction is explored every week. Death By Roo Roo. We're cheaper than therapy.

Death By Roo Roo's ensemble cast is comprised of some of the best comedians working in New York City. Collectively the members of Death By Roo Roo have appeared in NBC's 30 Rock, Todd Solondz' Palindromes, NBC's Late Night with Conan O'Brien, Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, TBS's Burly TV, 92.3 WFNY - FREE FM and Comedy Central's Upright Citizen's Brigade and have written for MTV, Sci-Fi Channel and Comedy Central's The Man Show.

Death By Roo Roo is Anthony Atamanuik, Neil Casey, Jackie Clarke, Brett Gelman, John Gemberling and Curtis Gwinn.

****

Death By Roo Roo: Your F*cked Up Family

Fridays at 11 pm | Tickets $8

Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre

307 West 26th St (Between 8th and 9th Avenues)

212-366-9176 for reservations

Subway: 1, C, E to 23rd Street

Wow I am a fancy girl for gay people!

Ta da! I may look a little crazy.

Thanks NBC!

My friend, Jack McBrayer, is currently starring on the NBC sitcom 30 Rock. He is a delight and I knew him before he got free sneakers from Nike and was starring in a network sitcom (that is actually funny). Jack and I have a sort of His Girl Friday relationship where we really pretend to hate each other but we are only kidding. At least I think we are only kidding. Last year I was in LA and Jack was living there at the time. I called and left him a voice mail, but me being me, I was unfamiliar with my phone and I didn't really hang it up. So Jack was treated to a message where I talked to the traffic for about 15 minutes. He said every so often I would say things like, "Oh no you didn't" and "Really? Why do you have to be such an asshole." People often think my cartoon-like personality is a put-on. No sirree. I am a complete mess.

Anywhoooo...Jack and I were performing together last week onstage live at the UCB Theatre! A bunch of us went out drinking and then we all decided to call it a night around 1am because we are officially super old. I had to run to Duane Reade and Jack tagged along. He was buying ice-cream I was after some sweet red hair-dye. (I used to get my hair professionally done but my gay Southern bi-polar genius of a hairdresser moved to London. I tried other people but they just weren't as genius as my guy...so I have been doing it myself.) I warned Jack that I was buying something pretty high up on the girly scale (not quite tampons or Vagisil but also not some electrical tape and a Maxim) but he didn't mind.

In fact, my good friend Jack didn't mind so much he bought me my hair-dye and a pack of Reeses Pieces (the best candy ever made). I said he didn't have to do it but he reminded me he was making "sweet TV money now." So I let him. Thanks to Tina Fey and Lorne Michaels and all the people who made my hair redder this month. Who sweetened my tongue with the peanuttie goodness of Reeses Pieces. And to you, Jack McBrayer, a man who once ate beans from a can for dinner now can throw down a debit card at a Duane Reade like he's made of sweet TV money.

And of course to parentheses. To which this blog post is dedicated.

An unedited email from my sister

I know it has been a long time since I posted...I have been busy working. But trust me this is worth the wait.

Enjoy.

crazy funny story...
So Troy has this friend Calvin - from Puerto Rico- and his family is WICKED religious- I guess he called Troy last night and left a message . So we went to call him back and Troy kept saying I really gotta poop. I said "just call him real quick..." so he is waiting for them to pick up and he said well I guess no ones around.. so he was going to leave a message.. I walked by him and I said "Jesus- your ass really stinks" (apparently I should have listened to him when he said he had to poop and couldn't hold it in anymore) - and he looked at me and started to laugh cuz their voice mail i guess did the beep and I'm pretty darn sure our message is "Jesus-
your ass really stinks" I really don't know how this stuff happens to me...

I know why...because you are amazing.