Congratulations, me!

I am Time Magazine's Person of the Year!


Apparently it is my world. So why is it filled with dicks and jerks.
Well I don't mind I guess. I like awards. I haven't won one since I was named Massachusetts Young Woman of the Year!

Post Mortem Radio

Apparently I am on the radio this week.

JV and Elvis (9am - 1pm) are on "best of" this week and I made the cut on quite a few clips. So if you turn on the radio (92.3 FM) in NYC you may hear me. I will be at home working on other things but my radio alterego will be getting called a liberal fattie.

And to further the humilation of appearing in the "best of" on a station that fired me, I won't be getting paid for my efforts due AFTRA being the shittiest of unions!

Bah-Humbug.

Ray

I really tried to fight my urge to post on my sisters blog- I just had to when I read the previous...so this is my first and possibly last post- (I need to create my own so I can trash everyone I know- without them seeing it) Although you are all followers of the great Jackie posts, you may often wonder about....Ray (yes the one who barfed on me). Lemme give you a bit of back ground on Ray, he is in his 30's (upper that is) and origianlly from Rhode Island -which is comparable to New Jersey. He drives to Rhode Island on the weekends to get Hot Weiners (This is a type of hot dog), his haircut, oil changes, the every Friday night "With the boys" pub crawls with his middle aged friends. He knows every stat about every Red Sox player EVER- "Where were you you in the '75 game?" he'll ask me. He could tell you where he was for just about every game since he was 4. ugh it's annoying So.... the other night Ray and were watching T.V and he was flipping throught the guide to see whats on. He said "Ooh Professional Bull-Riding" I kinda looked at him funny and said "Ummmm okay" He said "sometimes when I come home on Friday nights (drunk) I either watch Professional Bull-Riding or The Lifetime Movie Network" Should I be worried? Nah it's Ray. I do however have to defend him with regards to the previous post. He/we may slightly be white trash- But I do have a sister (whom you may all know) who found a roll (don't know the correct term here) anyway- who found a roll on the street picked it up and smoked it EWWW (I just remembered it's called a joint!- geesh i'm slow) So that's my Ray in a nutshell- he's a real catch!

Christmas Lists - ho ho ho!

My family is pretty low-key during Christmas. After years of getting shitty ill-fitting presents from our parents, my brother and sister and I have taken to writing out detailed lists of what we want. Every so often we successfully stray from lists (a Tivo for me, a Steve Grogan Patriots jersey for my brother, a photo calendar for my sister) but for the most part me are list people. You want a bathroom shelf from Target for Christmas, well guess what Santa has? A bathroom shelf from Target. And when in doubt, cash or a gift certificate is what Jesus would do. Everyone wins.

I ask my sister what her boyfriend, Ray would like and she emails me the following list. While you read the list keep in mind the following question: what is wrong with Ray?

- Skechers (he gets these EVERY year, I dont know how you wear through a pair of shoes in a year, especially in the suburbs)
- Plain white tee shirts from Old Navy (not v-neck) size XL- the ones I wear underneath my work shirts (wow way to dream big, Ray...although I should refrain from judging...my Christmas wishlist has printer ink on it...)
- Work shirts- size 17-17 1/2 / 34-35 for brands like Van Heusen; XL for brands like Polo (practical, good)
- Socks for work- black based with pretty patterns (once again a 'dream big' item. But notice his description of the socks "based with pretty patterns." I love that Ray turns into a dreamy Jane Austen when he talks about socks! "Please, mum, can I have some new socks based with pretty patterns like lilacs and horses? It is all I wish for before I die of consumption.")
- Smokes & beer (We travel from Jane Austen right into this white-trash century with this gem. "Smokes and beer" did I forget to mention that Ray is Judd Nelson's father from "The Breakfast Club.")

I like Ray and I would buy him smokes and beer if it weren't for my 8 year-old nephew. He already leaves beer and cookies for Santa instead of milk and cookies. I don't think this boy needs further corruption.

Me and the Christian Right, BFF

How are me and the Christian right so on the same page? How cute!

My gay gay night

This is a picture of my Saturday night. My friend Jeff had a sleepover birthday party. He made a cheeseball and a friend of his brought over fancy face products so we all did facials and moisturizing. We all wrote down questions on paper and put them in a bowl and we all had to answer them. We never got to my question "What is the smelliest sex you've ever had." My answer would have to be a college boyfriend whose balls always smelled like New York City in August.

As my friend, Julie said, "I had a cock in my ass while watching Liza with a Z and you still had a gayer night than I did."

Oh Screech!

So we all know that Dustin Diamond (Screech from Saved by the Bell) has a sex tape that you can buy. Several previews were leaked to the internet...I can't find any with sex but I did find this GEM on YouTube.

Please keep in mind that the man in this video is also the man in this picture.

Screech is involved in some sort of rape club where he and his "bros" have sex with ladies and they tally points per sexual acts. Acceptable if you play hockey and you are 16. If you're a former child actor (note I didn't write star) and are a struggling stand-up - you are a rapist.

On the video Screech brags about the following points:

- The fisheye. I literally didn't know what this meant - and I am a fucking dirtbag. So I looked it up on the interweb. According to http://www.encyclopedia-of-sex.com/ fisheye is "A slang term describing the situation when having intercourse with a woman from behind you start to put it in her ass, at which time she quickly snaps her head to the side and looks back at you with one eye (like a fish)." Oh, ok my joke about Screech being a rapist is now a fact. A fisheye is when you poke a girl in the rear WITHOUT HER KNOWLEDGE to elicit a STARE! Not only is it rapie, it is lame and stupid. Oh Screech. It is like the pull my finger trick only in a girl's butt.

- A Dirty Sanchez. We all know what this is. But I will defer to the Encyclopedia of Sex's definition for consistency. A Dirty Sanchez is "When the male partner sticks his finger in the female's ass and then wipes it across her upper lip, drawing a moustache." I didn't realize for the humiliation to be counted as a true Dirty Sanchez the moustache wearer had to be female. Consider me notified. (Also apparently none of the Dirty Sanchez's I have administered have counted...boo hoo.)

- This is the piece de resistance. Screech says "if you freeze frame on the BLUE JELLY DOUBLE DONG I believe there's POOP on the end of it." Ok. Let's just take a moment. All of us. I think it is a good time to recall that Screech the Poop Bragger is also the man in this picture.

Ok. The way Screech lingers on the word Poop truly fills my body with an untreatable cancer. He is vile. And the fact that he is unfuckably ugly does not help matters. Also I think when poop ends up on the end of a blue jelly double dong one should do the right thing and not mention it but discreetly take it to the bathroom to wash it as to not give anyone a bacteria infection. Safe sexual practices. Everyone wins!

- He refers to himself as the D-man. I think we all can agree it stands for Douchebag.

What an asshole.

Enjoy.

Best Text Ever!

A friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, sent me the best text ever:

"An angel left a little bag of coke in the hallway for me. I've got the biggest shit-eating grin on my face. WWWWOOOOOOOOOOWWW. It's been a while."

I was like WHO PICKS UP COKE OFF THE HALL FLOOR AND SNORTS IT? (Altho full disclaimer - I have found weed on the street and smoked it.) Well my friend does. He did his toots and was a very happy person.

Lucky bastard!

Blargh

I have jury doody.